The Endless Summer

It's never really endless though, unless you are working hard on saving money for something you really, really want!  B and I have had an amazing summer thus far, and I am finally ready to get back on track with everything here.  I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer "off" this year, and feel confident in everything I (we) have accomplished.

School ended well, and we immediately left for our annual trip to HHI (that we have missed the last two years due to saving for IVF two summers ago and buying our house last summer- all in all, good reasons to miss vacation, but still sad for us!).  We had an amazing time with my parents and brother, SIL, and nephew.  It was well worth the two year wait, though we are hopeful we won't be missing vacation again in the future! After vacation, I went right back to work with Summer School- ESY.  I had a lovely summer working with my favorite people and children.  We had some wonderful visits with friends and family and even did some more work on the house! Our guest room and guest bathroom have been repainted (thanks for the help mom and dad!!), and we are having the furniture refinished for a more updated look.

So, onto the IVF front.  In July, I met with my doctor again, and we came up with a plan after an ultrasound revealed another cyst had formed on my right ovary.  Previously, the cyst on my right ovary led to laparoscopic surgery to remove it (back in 2008), so I have been pretty worried about that stupid cyst. The doctor wanted me to do Day 3 blood work and a saline sonogram somewhere between cycle day 5 and 15. So I had my blood work done last week, as well as my blood draw for the HIV test (relax, we get it done every time I have IVF, it's just a precaution). Then yesterday, my mom joined me for my saline ultrasound as moral support since last time the pain was pretty intense.  I won't get into the fun of a speculum, ultrasound wand, and catheter shooting water up your hooha, but it was a BLAST! The really cool part was watching everything on the computer screen, even mom was impressed!

The doctor declared my uterus looked perfect- finally some good news- and then took a look at my ovaries.  The cyst is still there, but is shrinking, so she is confident it will not cause any issues with starting IVF.  YAY!! I had a bunch of follicles on the right ovary, while the left side was chilling this week.  Under medication, the left side always seems to pop up for action, but on a normal basis, it is lazy as crap! All in all, the appointment went really well and we are very pleased with the outcome.

On another note, we have fully funded our account for the IVF portion.  B and I were so excited when the last payment from ESY came in and we were able to put the money in our IVF savings fund.  We still need to save up for the ICSI portion, which is another couple thousand, but it feels great to know that we are paying for everything completely out of pocket and not charging anything or creating more debt.  This is HUGE for us, and I am very proud of how hard we worked to make this happen.  So, hopefully, in a couple more months, we will be planning our next round of IVF and paying for it free and clear!

Thank you to everyone who has continued to follow this blog, even though I have been slack as my left ovary.  I am working on more posts, though many may not be about IVF because I truly do not want to be defined by this struggle.  There is so much more to me and my family than this journey, though this journey has been a huge part of our life.  I really appreciate the responses and even the comments about why I haven't updated!  I'm sorry, and I will do better! Have a lovely Tuesday and best wishes to everyone.

Money and Organization- Great Combo!

Since we had this beautiful three day weekend, I decided it was time to reorganize my files and paperwork. When decorating our Living Room, I knew I wanted a organize our paperwork in a way that was attractive, but not necessarily in a filing cabinet (unless I could find a nice wooden one instead of the stock metal cabinets). I found the perfect complements to our overall design from The Container Store (help me if one ever comes here!  For now, it is a safe distance away).  I had originally picked up some items from the Bigso collection in Turquoise on a trip with my bestie, and I loved them!

Desktop File
Pencil Cup
Letter Sorter

After realizing that one file box was not going to meet our needs, I decided another stop at The Container Store was in order, but I couldn't wait for our next trip to DC!  B said to go ahead and order whatever I wanted, so I did, but I was able to get free shipping and used a coupon to make my order total more palatable (of course, all of this was bought before the big spending freeze).  So, I perused the site, and decided to add a little fun with a new print from the Bigso collection, that went well with the pattern of the curtains we bought from Target and the muted colors of our rug. So I few more desktop files and a set of paper drawers were soon on their way!

Desktop File
Paper Drawers

Living Room with our Bigso collection

(Excuse the crooked rug- my cats love moving it!)

Anywho, back to my reason behind the post tonight.  With the first file box, I sat down one night and diligently labeled all my hanging folders and organized all my paperwork.  Then I shoved anything that didn't have a folder and all the paperwork that arrived at our house after that night into the new desktop files.  I took part of Sunday to reorganize everything and get our files in order.  It was a long task, but I was so happy with the results!  Throughout my organizing, I kept coming across paperwork from various treatments over the years, as well as all the receipts from our 2 rounds of IVF.  We've had several people ask us about the cost of IVF recently.  Since B and I are really focused on saving for our next round, as well as paying down debt from previous rounds, I figured it would be nice to do a post about our actual costs with IVF.

Thus, this post (with a completely uncompensated plug for The Container Store- I just love my stuff!).

We have been very lucky with our choice of fertility clinics.  The Jones Institute is world renowned, and the pioneers of IVF.  Although we haven't been lucky enough to be successful yet, I know they are doing everything they can to help us achieve our goal.

One of the best things they offer is a payment plan for the IVF.  We have had to put half down prior to the process beginning, then once the transfer and all have been completed, we make a payment every month for 6 months.  The initial cost for IVF is $6830.  Since B has major issues with his "boys," we also have to pay $2420 for ICSI- IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection (something to help give our chances a major boost by getting rid of the weakest sperm and utilizing the best).  This brings the initial total to $9246.  Jones then divides that total in half and we pay $4623 up front, and have the other half broken into 6 payments of $770.

But we aren't done yet!  Then you have to add in the medications for each cycle.  Those can range from $3000 to $5000, with very little price breaks or help from insurance.  Oh, all that stuff up there ^^? Yeah, none of that is covered by insurance.  Nothing, Nada, Zip.  That is all out of pocket.  The medications?  I am thankfully able to pay for part of them using my Flexible Spending Account (FSA) which just means it is divided up over the year from my paychecks from a non taxed account.  I am very grateful for that.  Since we didn't do IVF last year, I was able to pay for half the meds out of last year's FSA, and plan to pay for a good chunk of the rest of the meds from this year's FSA.

So, now we are at $12,246 (if we had the low end of meds- which hasn't happened yet!) to $14,246 (using the high end of meds).  We fall somewhere in the middle of the two estimates, but I don't have the exact med total in front of me.  Then we add in a check for $400 to pay for the anesthesiologist that puts me under for the retrieval portion of the IVF.  You have to pay that the day of retrieval, or the price doubles to $810.  We always have our check ready!

Since we have never had more than 3 eggs removed from me that lasted, we have not had to get into Cryopreservation or monthly storage fees, but those are also added costs that may or may not be in our future.  The Cryopreservation is $1000 and the monthly storage fee for the frosties is $60.  Pretty much a drop in the bucket compared to everything else! We have always said we will cross that bridge when we come to it, but we are confident that push come to shove, we can meet those payments easily.

So, in the last 3 years (just with IVF, I am not even counting the money we utilized before then), we have put $26,000 into starting our family.  And we are hoping to toss another $13,000 into that mix before the end of the year.  Yep, we have basically paid for a college education just to HAVE a child. (and after looking at college rates for my Alma Mater- I recognize we only paid for a year and a half of education there- WHOA! It did not cost that much when I was there!).

Our biggest hope and prayer is that this next round of IVF works.  I'm not sure what our steps would be if it fails again, but I know we have choices, and we will give all of those choices the thought and research they deserve.  We would also love for some embryos to be preserved so we could try again at a quarter of the cost of full IVF to add another child to our family, but I promise, I would be over the moon with just one!

Anywho, I hope I broke down the costs of our IVF a bit better for those who were wondering.  It's not an easy road, emotionally or financially, but I am confident I am traveling this road with the right person.  We may not have a child to share our love with (YET!), but we do have each other, and that's pretty damn good :)

Calming the thoughts

What do you do to ease your mind and relax? I am a huge reader and love to listen to music.  Whenever I need to quiet my mind from all the fun of IF, I grab a book (or my Kindle!) and clear my mind.  It's a wonderful escape from real life for me, and I always emerge with more positive thoughts and a happier mindset.

Music is my other calming device.  When we had our first IVF, I brought my iPod along and listened to a random smattering of music. Obviously I only put music I like on my iPod, but the mixture was rather eclectic, and at times, a bit much for trying to stay chill while laying on the hospital bed.  For our 2nd IVF, B and I sat down and compiled a list of songs we both enjoyed and created our "Baby Love" play list.  I listened to this play list while I waited for my retrieval and transfer, as well as afterwards, to keep my mind focused.

Since we have been focusing on other areas of life in the last year after our loss, I decided that I didn't just want to listen to my playlist only at the hospital.  I've since incorporated it into my every day life.  Every night I turn my play list on, and fall asleep to the music that means so much to B and I.  Some of the songs have obvious meaning for the list, like our wedding song, "Crazy Love."  Other songs have silly meanings, like "Closing Time," which actually has several memories attached to it (including us rolling with laughter in "Friends with Benefits").  We have our personal band favorites, like Pearl Jam and DMB (of course!), and some newer to us favorites, like Joshua Radin (I absolutely adore him and do not understand the lack of popularity with his music!).

The list is slightly changed from our 2nd attempt, but it is finely honed into a wonderful music experience that truly calms me and brings consistent smiles to my face every night as I drift off to sleep.  I imagine this play list will continue to grow, and hopefully, one day soon, will be instrumental in the birth and subsequent life of our future child(ren).

So what do you do to calm yourself? How do you relax and chase away the IF blues?

One of my fav cd's:

Joshua Radin- We Were Here

The Process

During the last couple of years, whenever we talked with our friends and family about IVF, most were interested in the actual process of what we went through during the 6 weeks. Not just the emotional stuff, but the actual "what does IVF mean?" stuff.  It's been over a year since our last round, but I thought I would try to remember it all to share.

The IVF process starts well before the retrieval and put back.  We both have to get blood testing every year, which is always fun! They are checking to make sure our hormonal levels are within a decent range, and that we don't have HIV (no seriously, that is checked every time and is a very big deal considering the amount of body fluids, needles, and IV's that are involved throughout).  Once the results are received, I almost always have to go on iron pills and thyroid meds (although this year we are being smart and I have been taking the pills for several months now, GO ME!). Then we have to wait for my next period.  As soon as my period starts, I have to call the office and start on birth control pills (BCP) after a couple of days.

BCP's??  Isn't that the opposite of what we should be doing if we want to get pregnant?? Of course! But we take them to regulate the cycle and make sure I don't ovulate before my follicles and meds have had a chance to work. Which honestly isn't too big a deal, since I apparently no longer ovulate on my own. ;) When I called the office on day 1 of AF, I am given a whole schedule of meds and such that I have to take on specific days.  And believe me, it is a very specific process, down to time of day to the hour, that you have to follow, and it is tweaked specifically to the individual! There were times B and I had to give shots in a bathroom of a family members house or at a restaurant- always fun!

So after a couple weeks of pills, and shots, and every other to every day ultrasounds (even on weekends!), we finally get to the egg retrieval.  I remember the first time.  I was scared.to.death. All my life, until I found out I had IF, I have never been hospitalized or put under for anything. Never broken anything, had 2 minor sprains in 22 years (falling down stairs helping a great friend move out of her dorm, lol), pretty decent health all these years.  Then, in the matter of a couple of years, I was about to be put under for a second time (first being my laparoscopy in '08) and I had no idea what to expect.  

B had to "do his thing" that morning before we left, at my parent's house, which was just a little bit stressful; so we ended up running a bit late. Once we got to EVMS, there was no one in reception (it was well before normal staff comes in), and we were so flustered, we couldn't remember what we were supposed to do! We finally relaxed, went upstairs, and they separated us so B could make "the drop off" and I could get settled in the hospital bed.  We finally began to calm down, and I was scheduled to go second (there were 2 other retrievals that day).  The nurses were sweet as can be, very comforting, and explained everything they were doing as they did it.  B and I were laughing and in high spirits, taking pictures to remember everything by, because, you know, we were about to make a baby (ha!).  

The anesthesiologist came in, talked to me, started my meds, and then I am being wheeled back out after being in the operating room for about 30 or so minutes.  I had to rest for another 30 or so minutes before I was transferred to a wheelchair and taken to the car.  B took me home, and I spent the rest of the day relaxing in bed. So, overall, not a scary experience, but we sure felt like it was!

After the retrieval, we received daily updates of how our embryos were doing, and the transfer was scheduled.  I always work in between retrieval and transfer, and it helps a lot because my coworkers and sweet kids keep my mind off of everything (somewhat...).  Within a couple of days, it is decided if we will do a 3 day or 5 day transfer, and back to the hospital we go! 

For transfer, I am awake the whole time, and B is even allowed in the room with me. They take us back, and I am prepped for the transfer process.  There is a monitor on the wall where we can watch everything the doctor is doing, and we even get a pre-shot of whatever embryos are being put in.  We consider it "baby's first picture." A long catheter like object is placed directly into the uterus, and the embryo is pushed inside.  It's just amazing what they can do!

Afterwards, I have to rest again, then get wheeled out to the car for a couple of days of bed rest at home.  There is lots of cramping, some spotting, and a lot of care given as I relaxed and prayed over every moment.  Each transfer occurred the last week of school before holiday break, so I would then spend the next week or so going crazy at home.  

The two week wait before the blood draw is seriously the most nerve wrecking time of your life.  Every movement you make, everything you do, everything is called into question because "what if" you cause the embryo not to implant, what if that soda stopped everything, what if you spent too long in the bathroom, what if what if what it.  It makes even the most laid back, sane person super crazy.  And we all know any woman undergoing the IVF process is never sane and laid back during that time!

Eventually the day you are supposed to get the blood draw comes, and then you wait for the results.  And you either receive the happy call or the "I'm so sorry" call.  And if you are really lucky, you get the "Well, you *are* pregnant, but..." call.  

So, in a nutshell, that is the IVF process, minus a lot of big words, medical mumbo jumbo, and pain.  And I didn't even mention the shots and pills you go through during the two week wait! 

So, when you wonder just what I and many others are going through, it is a very physical and emotional process that can't really be fully understood unless you actually go through it. But your support and love is more than appreciated throughout! And believe me, at this point, I am more than happy to explain anything about the process.  Who knows, maybe I'll even let you take a stab at me with a needle ;)

The Post in Which We Share TOO Much

Sitting here, thinking about how our journey began, I have a hard time recalling a lot of the details.  I remember bits and pieces, but I think it has been so long so we started, that I have either (a) blocked everything out or (b) forgotten due to old age. Neither is a great choice!

I do remember the first time we thought we were pregnant.  B and I were married in September of 2006. The day after our wedding, I started the mother of all horrible periods (I told you we would share too much in this post!). Like the cut out my uterus, throw my ovaries off a bridge, curl up in a ball and drug myself type of period.  Way to start marriage, eh? Looking back now, and knowing what we have been through, I almost feel like that was my body's was of warning me- "Life is never going to be the same for you!" 

Either that, or  "(Insert expletive here) YOU!"

November came, and no period.  B and I have never made our desire to have a family a secret.  I think just about anyone who has come into contact with us in the last 15 years has known that we have always wanted children, and planned to start not too long after the wedding.  I remember we had several disagreements about when to start.  I wanted to wait a year before we started (HA!), and B would have been happy if I had walked down the aisle pregnant.  That discussion seems so silly now, so trivial.  

Anywho, of course I tested.  And tested. And tested.  Always a negative.  BUT! Google says there are a lot of women who do not show up pregnant on their tests, so the only way to know is a blood test and ultrasound!  I MUST be one of those women!!  I felt sick to my stomach often, my breasts were sore, my face was breaking out. I had to be pregnant! Then December came, no sign of my period, no sign of a positive test, and I was finally able to get in to a doctor. Of course, I wasn't pregnant. The doctor had no answer for me about my MIA period.  Maybe stress?  Maybe weight gain? Maybe all the recent changes? The doctor ended up dismissing my concerns and said that women didn't have to have a period every month. 

I was shocked! I mean, I grew up with the knowledge that periods come every month, and if it doesn't come, you better get thee to a doctor and congratulations! I found a new doctor the next month that was closer to home and much more friendly.  After a visit to the new guy, we talked about forcing my period to come through medication (lol, who *wants* to force their period!?), and thus started 6 months of forced periods. We eventually had a discussion about using clomid, because not only did my period disappear, so did my ability to ovulate.  Clomid would help me ovulate, which would help get me pregnant, which would probably fix my period issues after I had a baby. YAY!  Well, not very well advertised fact- Clomid makes you gain weight faster than you can swallow the pill.  Thus began two years of Super Fatty T! I gained 40 pounds on clomid, and I am still fighting the battle to lose all that weight today. WEEE! 

Moving on, after the clomid did nothing to help us, we did a hydrosonogram and discovered a had a massive cyst on one of my ovaries. So, I had laparoscopic surgery to have it removed in January '08. Still nothing helped.  We were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and began having Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI's) in February of '08. We continued through 7 IUI's and blew through $5000 until we called it quits. Throughout all of this, we were made very aware that B had testosterone issues, as well as very low sperm counts.  He was seeing a urologist and several other doctors to see if there was anything else he could do on his end.  Basically, both of us have screwed up reproductive systems. We finally accepted that the only way we would possibly become biological parents was through In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Then we were hit with the price tag for IVF, and our dreams were majorly put on hold.

Insert long story about putting our house on the market, T moving to the beach to start teaching and live with her parents, our house being half destroyed by a tornado, B losing his job, officially moving with T and her parents, B starting a new job, FINALLY selling our old house, and finally buying our new house. Yeah- did I have stress in my life?!

Despite all those crazy changes, moving in with my parents was amazing because it afforded us the opportunity to do not just one, but two rounds of IVF with the Jones Institute. We were very lucky because the Jones offers multiple versions of IVF, and we finally found a plan that we could somewhat afford.  Since we had minimal bills while living with my parents, we were able to pay down some debt and afford the cost of our first cycle (though stupid ass, we still managed to rack up debt because of unforeseen medicine costs and other medical costs). Once the house sold, we were able to afford the second round, which the Jones discounted for us since our first round did not work.  As most of y'all know from previous posts, the second round did work, albeit briefly.

And now, here we are.  Working towards our 3rd IVF, and hoping it happens for us this round. Seeing it written out, it doesn't seem like all of that was really 6+ years of struggle.  And yet, we can feel every moment of it. 

And another year passes...

So, B and I were slowly getting excited... We had our 2nd IVF in December, right before Christmas. We waited for the date listed on my blood test form to have the draw. I woke up really excited that morning, and went to the closest lab on my way to work. I tried not to think about it all day (puh-lease! We all know how that went!), and focused on my students. I tried to ignore walking over to my desk ten thousand times to tap my cell phone to see if any messages had come through.

After lunch, I checked one more time... and there was the missed call and voice mail. After last year's disappointment, I knew that the message wouldn't say any more than to call the office, but it still made my breath catch when I saw the notification. B was home early that day, so I wanted to wait until I was with him before I made the call. The call that left me sobbing just one year prior. The call that I dreaded to ever have to make again. I held it together until I got home. We huddled together upstairs in the bedroom and I dialed the office, waited for what seemed like forever (just a few moments, really), then my doctor was on the line. And she was telling us the words we had been waiting to hear for almost 7 years...

"Your test is positive (ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod... but wait... there's more, she's still talking... shhh), but just barely." This could mean one of two things: (1) we are in the very early stages and implantation occurred later than expected; or (2) it started to implant, but didn't finish and I was having a chemical pregnancy. *Hope crushed* We listened numbly for a few more minutes, received instructions to continue taking the medication (you know, just in case it was a real pregnancy), and to repeat the blood draw in a few days (to give more time for the HCG to raise).

So, instead of tears of joy, we spent the next few hours trying to give one another hope, trying to figure out what we could do to keep things moving, trying not to fall apart completely. And this journey lasted for almost two more weeks. Two of the roughest weeks of our lives. Every blood draw, and subsequent phone call, gave us a little more hope and a little more disappointment. The HCG numbers were doubling, but they started so low, that it really didn't make too much of a difference.

8 weeks after our 2nd IVF began, it was all over. Confirmed that the embryo didn't finish implanting and start growing. We were devastated. Even with all the knowledge we had that most likely this was not going to end in a viable pregnancy, we still had hope. We still wanted to dream. We still walked around Target, laughing and smiling with our secret knowledge, and "window shopping" for our future little one's nursery. Deep down, I knew... we knew. We knew it wouldn't be viable, but we couldn't accept it. Did not want to accept it.

I spent the next few days in an automatic daze. I got up in the morning, went to work, enjoyed my students, came home, went to sleep. I ate here and there, I kept a bright smile on my face whenever I was out of the house, then came home to let the misery wash over me in private. When B was home, we talked about our days, watched TV, played on our computers, but we didn't really discuss what happened. I cried by myself in our room. I didn't want to feel, and I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. I wanted to just keep moving, thinking positive, planning our next steps.

I was trucking along, and even though I knew B and my parents were concerned about me, I just didn't want to talk about it.

Then we received a card in the mail from our IVF office. It was a card of condolence on our loss. I opened it, read it, and put it away. We went out to spend time with our friends that night, and B told them about the loss. They expressed brief condolences, then we moved on as if nothing ever happened. I drank that night, more than I had in a long time (because, remember, you aren't supposed to drink during the IVF process!). On our way home, I played a song that I had come across in my searching about miscarriage, chemicals, etc. And then I dissolved into tears. Loud, gut wrenching sobs while I mourned the loss of our "baby." S drove us home to my parents house, brought my mom out to me, and she held me in the freezing Winter cold while I spent the next 20 minutes or so letting it all out. It was painful for all involved.

Eventually we went in the house, I went to bed, slept fitfully, and the next morning, my mom and B were there to talk to me. We talked for a long time. They both suggested counseling, but it just wasn't something I wanted to pursue. I realized during that talk that I was not the only one hurting. B was not the only one hurting. Our parents were hurting with us. Everyone was so worried when I just moved along as if nothing had happened. It was so out of character for me, as I normally fixate on anything difficult. They knew my moment was coming, and they knew there would be more (though next time, I hoped alcohol would not be my undoing).

So, why bring all this up now? Because we just passed the year mark of our loss. And no matter what your belief is (a baby isn't a baby until it is born, conception is when sperm meets egg, it all becomes real when it implants, etc.), my belief, at that moment, was we lost a baby. We lost the hopes and dreams that we had been working towards for 7 years. We lost something so special and important to us, that the actual term "baby" no longer had a definitive definition. At that moment, that was our baby. That was our loss. That was our heartbreak. And no one can prepare you for how you handle it.

And another year passes...

Ed Sheeran CD