Life Goes On

Since starting this blog, I have found myself more at peace with our decision to "come out," and it has become even easier to talk about with family and friends.  It's almost as if a huge weight has been lifted! My post tonight isn't about the weight of IF.  I like to rejoice in the good times, not just wallow in the sad.

So, Valentine's just passed... of course, it's truly "just another day." I get all the hype of "manufactured holiday" and all the comments about "showing love all the time, not just one specific day." I've never been a huge V-day person.  I enjoy it for the little things we do for each other, the cutesy cards, and the special date night (whether out or at home).  Since becoming a teacher though, it has taken on a different meaning for me.

I enjoy doing little holiday parties for the kids. I love seeing the little cards they make, and decorating bags/mailboxes to collect the valentine's in.  I enjoy shopping around for something fun to give my students.  This year, I scored popular cartoon DVD's for $1 at Target (LOVE), and found an Owl DIY card kit.  It was perfect for us, especially since Owls are our theme this year (I know, soooo over done, but soooo cute!!).  We had fun dressing in cute clothes, and sharing brownies and cupcakes at our party.

Valentine's Day is also when B proposed to me, despite much teasing (prior to the proposal) about how cliche it would be.  Now, I am glad he did it.  It makes it have a little more meaning for us... and a million other couples... but it gives us a little something extra to look forward to on the 14th of every February.

I remember the proposal like it was yesterday... I was living in my apartment in Virginia Beach, B lived in Richmond.  We both had to work that day, so we knew we wouldn't see each other.  My parents had invited me out to dinner, so I came home from work and began preparing for my night.  There was a knock on the door, and I looked out, but no one was there.  I opened the door, and B was standing to the side near the stairs.  We were both really excited to see each other!  I let him in, excitedly talking, saying that I needed to call mom and dad and let them know he would be joining us for dinner.  I kept running back and forth from the tv room to the bedroom in all my chatter.  (According to B, he kept trying to go down on one knee, but I was back and forth too quick!)After about the 5th trip back and forth, B took me by the hands, began to say some sweet words, then he went down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I said yes, and fell down on top of him.  We both giggle at the memory because our cat, Court, was sitting on the chair in the tv room, with his head cocked to the side like, "WTH is wrong with those two?!"

I remember calling my bff, who was studying at the Kempsville Library at the time.  She did a :silent scream: for us, then we invited her out to dinner with us (by this time, B had informed me that my parents weren't actually taking me out to dinner.  They knew he was coming).  We drove over to their house, told them the news, and showed off my beautiful ring.

It was a beautiful night, and it was not fun letting B leave the next morning.  We both had to go back to work, though it was tempting to call out! We spent the next 5 months driving back and forth between our homes, before I moved out to Richmond at the end of June.

I love reminiscing about how it all began.  It is bittersweet that we were engaged 8 years ago, and married 7 months later.  Although these 8 years have seemed to go by in a blink, looking back, it also seems like the slowest 8 years of our lives.

Life goes on... whether you are ready for it or not!

The Post in Which We Share TOO Much

Sitting here, thinking about how our journey began, I have a hard time recalling a lot of the details.  I remember bits and pieces, but I think it has been so long so we started, that I have either (a) blocked everything out or (b) forgotten due to old age. Neither is a great choice!

I do remember the first time we thought we were pregnant.  B and I were married in September of 2006. The day after our wedding, I started the mother of all horrible periods (I told you we would share too much in this post!). Like the cut out my uterus, throw my ovaries off a bridge, curl up in a ball and drug myself type of period.  Way to start marriage, eh? Looking back now, and knowing what we have been through, I almost feel like that was my body's was of warning me- "Life is never going to be the same for you!" 

Either that, or  "(Insert expletive here) YOU!"

November came, and no period.  B and I have never made our desire to have a family a secret.  I think just about anyone who has come into contact with us in the last 15 years has known that we have always wanted children, and planned to start not too long after the wedding.  I remember we had several disagreements about when to start.  I wanted to wait a year before we started (HA!), and B would have been happy if I had walked down the aisle pregnant.  That discussion seems so silly now, so trivial.  

Anywho, of course I tested.  And tested. And tested.  Always a negative.  BUT! Google says there are a lot of women who do not show up pregnant on their tests, so the only way to know is a blood test and ultrasound!  I MUST be one of those women!!  I felt sick to my stomach often, my breasts were sore, my face was breaking out. I had to be pregnant! Then December came, no sign of my period, no sign of a positive test, and I was finally able to get in to a doctor. Of course, I wasn't pregnant. The doctor had no answer for me about my MIA period.  Maybe stress?  Maybe weight gain? Maybe all the recent changes? The doctor ended up dismissing my concerns and said that women didn't have to have a period every month. 

I was shocked! I mean, I grew up with the knowledge that periods come every month, and if it doesn't come, you better get thee to a doctor and congratulations! I found a new doctor the next month that was closer to home and much more friendly.  After a visit to the new guy, we talked about forcing my period to come through medication (lol, who *wants* to force their period!?), and thus started 6 months of forced periods. We eventually had a discussion about using clomid, because not only did my period disappear, so did my ability to ovulate.  Clomid would help me ovulate, which would help get me pregnant, which would probably fix my period issues after I had a baby. YAY!  Well, not very well advertised fact- Clomid makes you gain weight faster than you can swallow the pill.  Thus began two years of Super Fatty T! I gained 40 pounds on clomid, and I am still fighting the battle to lose all that weight today. WEEE! 

Moving on, after the clomid did nothing to help us, we did a hydrosonogram and discovered a had a massive cyst on one of my ovaries. So, I had laparoscopic surgery to have it removed in January '08. Still nothing helped.  We were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and began having Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI's) in February of '08. We continued through 7 IUI's and blew through $5000 until we called it quits. Throughout all of this, we were made very aware that B had testosterone issues, as well as very low sperm counts.  He was seeing a urologist and several other doctors to see if there was anything else he could do on his end.  Basically, both of us have screwed up reproductive systems. We finally accepted that the only way we would possibly become biological parents was through In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Then we were hit with the price tag for IVF, and our dreams were majorly put on hold.

Insert long story about putting our house on the market, T moving to the beach to start teaching and live with her parents, our house being half destroyed by a tornado, B losing his job, officially moving with T and her parents, B starting a new job, FINALLY selling our old house, and finally buying our new house. Yeah- did I have stress in my life?!

Despite all those crazy changes, moving in with my parents was amazing because it afforded us the opportunity to do not just one, but two rounds of IVF with the Jones Institute. We were very lucky because the Jones offers multiple versions of IVF, and we finally found a plan that we could somewhat afford.  Since we had minimal bills while living with my parents, we were able to pay down some debt and afford the cost of our first cycle (though stupid ass, we still managed to rack up debt because of unforeseen medicine costs and other medical costs). Once the house sold, we were able to afford the second round, which the Jones discounted for us since our first round did not work.  As most of y'all know from previous posts, the second round did work, albeit briefly.

And now, here we are.  Working towards our 3rd IVF, and hoping it happens for us this round. Seeing it written out, it doesn't seem like all of that was really 6+ years of struggle.  And yet, we can feel every moment of it.